To Draw a Line or Not

July 19

I got into a lift in the office building that I am working in and I saw a delivery guy holding a bouquet of flowers. Nothing fancy that was eye-catching; just olive-green-and-pale-cream-coloured wrappers, big bow and leaves that accompanied the few stalks of off-white lilies and anthurium. I found out later that the bouquet was for a married lady from a male whom I was told happened not to be her husband and that was the second bouquet of same colour scheme in six months. each time, the lady kept the flowers in the office and never brought it home, for obvious reasons.

It struck me that while she was definitely enjoying the flattery and attention, she was indulging in a form of escapism that probably provided her the excitement and thrills as she temporarily escapes to from her family and work life that might have gotten mundane. This got me thinking how each of us has own ways and means to shelf the problems on hand and get transported to an illusive world for some euphoric moments, which might somewhat help energise and preserve our sanity as we return to reality.

The other question is how many of such so-called harmless escapisms stayed the way they are and not take a different turn? Does the act of accepting and indulging in flattery and attention of another man constitute infidelity? Some say infidelity starts with a thought but how do you define it? Where is the line and when to draw it before one overstep and risks everything precious? It's almost like tempting fate.

On the other hand, some had tempted fate and succumbed to it. Three months ago, a girlfriend of mine told me that she suspected her husband cheating on her. She was at the brink of devastation and she had no one to talk to and she was afraid that she would succumb to mental breakdown if she continued to keep it to herself. There were sessions of shouting back and forth including a few with him slapping and pushing her around. She even confessed that her husband, who was earning at least 1/3 more than her, had never paid for the house mortgage or forked out money for the household expenses. He had never paid a single sen for their son's expenses (babysitter, diapers, milk, etc). Instead he indulged in expensive hobbies; first was exotic shrimp rearing, then it was photography with almost full set of equipment and lenses. All these of course were paid using plastics and you can imagine the shock my friend had when she saw all the statements. The year before her husband had gotten RM30K loan from his mum to pay off the debts. Instead of learing from such expensive lesson, he went on to incur additional debts. Of the five cards that he had, the debt for one of the plastics was already over RM8K. Despite all these, she decided to stay in her marriage because she could not bear the thought of what others would think of her if she had divorced.

Another girlfriend who was married for over 10 years had recently filed for divorce. Her husband had an affair when she was pregnant with their first child. She found out and confronted him, he admitted and she forgave him. Six years later when she was pregnant with their second child, history repeated itself. This time he denied and they went for marriage counselling. The counselling did not work. He told her that he no longer loved her. That was the last straw as my girlfriend thought there was no point in staying on the marriage anymore. She is now fighting for sole custody of her two children, age 9 and 3.

While one decided to put up with the man that belittled and trampled upon her, the other decided to pack her bag and leave. Both had to go through the painful journey. While the latter took the bold step forward in an effort to be emancipated, the former chose to remain in the shackles of emotional and psychological bondage. As I watched from the outer circle, my heart goes out for them; the latter for her courage and strength to find happiness for herself, the latter the same in hope that she would find her own selfworth and if her marriage could not be saved, the courage to fight for her own happiness and sanity.

To Live or Not To Live

March 18

I texted my cousin Maggie, asking her for the date of the fifth session of chemotheraphy that my tai yee was to go for. Her replied came that it was scheduled for 23 March, and my tai yee was adamant not to go as she feared the nausea, vomitting, and fatigue that she'd have to endure thereafter.

With a heavy sigh, I told my hubby. A short moment of silence and he asked if it was true that when one is fighting for life, one choose to die, and when death knocks on the door, one chooses to live. What about those who made the decisions to take their own lives, and half way through the act, they decide to live?

I had my bouts of suicidal thoughts when I was a teenager, back in high school. Death seemed the easy way out from the so-called bigger than life problems for an adolescent, yet I lacked the courage see it through.

Over the years I realised that my faith was my saving grace. God gave each of us life, and life being a precious gift, should not be taken lightly, or for granted. While I might have thought that I did not have to face and deal with problems after dying, I forgot that the ones that live would have to bear the heartache and grief. It was a selfish act had I had taken my own life.

Life is never without problems and challenges, all sorts, all ways and almost every other day. But God is good, and if He allows these challenges in our lives, He would carry us through. He did not promise a rosy life, but giving us strength, grace and mercy when we seek Him. The will of God will never take us where the Grace of God will not protect us.

As much as we wished we could, we could never fully understand and feel the suffering and terrible discomforts that my aunt is going through during this trying period. No one can except those who have survived the treatment and disease. We help in whatever ways that we can; encourage her with words, giving physical support and help but only God can minister to her heart, give strength and courage to her mind and take her fears and restlessness away.

We pray for God's strength and courage for my aunt as she fights this challenge. God hears our prayers and understands her struggles and fears. He is a God that heals and we ask for His healing to begin in her and make her whole again.

If you are reading this, and you are one that believes in God and the power of miracle, please pray with us, for her.

Thank you and may the good Lord bless and keep you and family.

To be or Not to be

February 27-28

Adrian's office had moved to KL Sentral from Menara Keck Seng on Jalan Bukit Bintang as the space rental had shot up way too high since Pavillion KL came about across the busy road. He had to return to the new office to move boxes and unpack. Yes, he became coolie for the last two days together with some others. The whole exercise, in my humble opinion after hearing all the problems they had and came across in the new office, was extremely badly coordinated by the Admin & HR department.

While he was busy in office from morning 10am to night 8pm, I was busy with laundry, cleaning the house and mopping the floor, ironing, did gardening and prepare my own meals. The day before, we had a chat upon his return, and I asked how the all moving went. The movers had moved all the boxes from the old office to the new, but could not move them to the various departments and workstations respectively because the workstations were not fully set up. They had to move them to another area in the new office. Since the set up was only completed few hours later, the staffs had to move the boxes themselves to where the files and documents had to be kept, and since they did not complete the exercise that night, they had to return to office today to move the rest of the boxes and items.

My first thought was that someone should have gone to the new office to check on the progress of the workstation setup, and ensure that the place is ready for the movers and items, with designated areas labelled for ease and convenience.

He grabbed a few large black garbage bags from the storage cabinet, and I asked he had to bring garbage bags to office. The reply was that the item was missed out from the exercise checklist. Duh! of course they have to be made available. Anyone would have anticipated that there would be items to discard, even if they were just papers.

Perhaps it would have been a relatively easier task for one who has done such massive exercise and coordination. Perhaps the person-in-charge had not had the experience, hence overlooked all these smaller details. I guess this is what many mean by being having the actual experience and theoretical knowledge. In theory, the rest of items or factors are status quo while in real situation, there are many variables, and many contributing elements that could affect the plan and flow. Assumptions do not work. One cannot assume that the contractors would finsih the setup by the deadline set. One also cannot assume that everything would be packed into the boxes and be moved to the new place.

What's amazing of all was that only 20 percent of the entire workforce came in on Saturday to help and ensure the exercise was completed. So where is the team spirit? Where has the sense of resposnbility and ownership gone to? I didn't realise that the company belongs only to 20 percent of staffs.

Hold On Not....

February 22

The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five.Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box. Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them?

Mommy,looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face. A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them,I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbour and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents.

On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace. Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up.She wore them everywhere, Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed.The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, Do you love me? "Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you." Then give me your pearls. "Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She's my very favorite."That's okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her, Jenny's daddy asked again, Do you love me?" Daddy, you know I love you."Then give me your pearls." Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek. What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace.With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, daddy, this is for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny. He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.

So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures. Isn't God good? Are you holding onto things that God wants you to let go of? Are you holding on to harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities that you have come so attached to that it seems impossible to let go? Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.

That's what we do sometimes, holding on to things that we deem precious. What are these compared to the treasures God has in stored for us in heaven?

Handbook?

February 20

A friend forwarded me a mail, which read life handbook 2009. I read, and have decided to have it placed as an entry because there ware so much truth in every line, every tip. Why then practise just in 2009? If the tips are beneficial and good, then they should be adopted every year, for many more great ones to come.

Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Make time for prayer.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did the year before.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.


Personality:

11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realise that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

32. Do the right thing!
33. Always speak the truth even if it leads to your death.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

May you find these as great reminders as I did.

Dance and Crackers

January 27

Adrian continued with the rest of the walls and beams whilst I painted the other side of our gate and the grill of main entrance. After lunch when we resumed our task, we heard drumbeats and clanging cymbals. Lion dance performance at one of the houses further down the road. Needless to say, the performance would not be complete without the crackling of firecrackers. The dance ended as there was silence. Just as we thought we'd have some peace, the whole routine started again, and this time two houses away from the one earlier, and there was a third. It was more than 30 minutes when silence returned for good.

We stay in a quiet neighbourhood, and after a while, we (at least for me) grew to appreciate the peacefulness, and though sometimes could do with some liveliness, such loud chords could be, let's just say, a test to one's patience and tolerance. The again, it was CNY, and there were reasons for such boisterousness. What is CNY without lion dance and firecrackers?

Turning to Olive

January 26

I woke my hubby up for a quick breakfast. First day of CNY and we were to do what most (almost all actually) Chinese would think as taboo - painting! Out came the paint pan, brushes and rollers. We decided to go with olive green for outer walls of our house. Our rationale was simple, it'd help to camouflage the mildew that kept growing on them :)

We started work, and soon were getting the healthy morning sun in our face. The rays turned scorching hot when it was close to noon. Out came the straw hat and face towel. Whilst I was painting one side of the gate, an ice-cream seller came by and Adrian, being Adrian had to have ice cream. He hailed the ice-cream seller, and stood next to him like a school kid waiting for the two cones he ordered. "Tahun Baru you cat rumah ah?". Even the ice cream seller could not believe his eyes and just had to ask. "Kami tak pantang," was my reply.

By the time I finished one side of the gate, I got a wonderful tan :P and my husband had turned lobster red, so totally burnt. We moved to paint the parts of walls that were under shade. During the whole painting process, Adrian and I debated on the direction the rollers should go, and how the sides and corners should be done. Adrian being Adrian again just left the parts that needed more precise and careful strokes to his naggy wife. That was what he termed as preserving marital harmony :D and I agreed.

Familial Ties

January 25

This year we had a simple Chinese new Year reunion dinner with tai yee and family as she was not up to travelling back to Taiping to join the rest of family since she started on chemotherapy for breast cancer. Her next and third treatment was scheduled for the ninth day of Chinese New Year, and she would have another three more to go.

Adrian and I drove over with the three dishes I prepared. She insisted on preparing the soup and stewed mushrooms. We had a quiet dinner, during which she thanked us for spending the time with her and family, and for supporting her in various ways. We assured her that we would try out best to be as supportive as we could in any possible ways.

Privately as I ate my dinner, I replayed the words of my grandma who told me that my tai yee, when she was single and staying with my grandparents, had took care of me when I was a baby. Each morning she made sure diapers were laundered before she went to work. She helped to feed and care for me.

She took care of me when I first came to KL to work after my sixth form before I went on to pursue my tertiary studies. She took care of me when I was recuperating in her home from a surgery more than three years ago. She is more than an aunt. She is half mum to me. Her fight against breast cancer gave me heartache although I never expressed it much, well, perhaps my exasperation when she made excuses not to undergo the chemotherapy treatments.

But what made it worse is the fact that I am unable to prevent anxiety and depression spells that would ravage her mind, and the fear in her heart. I am unable to give her much in return for her generosity and kindness over the years except words, visits and buying her meal replacement supplies. Hard and mixed feelings that are difficult to be described; helplessness, exasperation, anger as to why she, with little education she received, having slogged her whole life for her family and children is inflicted with such dreaded disease. Yes, her golden years may have been prolonged thanks to early detection and treatments, but she should be enjoying herself, doing the things that she likes, spending time with her husband and friends.

Nowadays most of us are so caught up with our busy lifestyle and daily routines that most of us (or maybe it is just me) take family for granted. It only when we are about to loose them (or one of them) that we become more conscious how distance the relationships are, and we have taken for granted that they would always be with us.

Life is short, and everyday with family should be like the CNY reunion dinner, a time to come together for quality fellowship. It is heartwarming to see some families so closely knitted and spend every weekend together in some family activities. Some of us do not have the opportunity to have such closeness and warm relationships but that should not stop us from seeking and building one for ourselves, with future generations. It has to start somewhere.

Filling Your Jar

January 15

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions - and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life."

''If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse or partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, "I'm glad you asked. The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend."

Lure of the Fist

January 10

Being a great fan of chinese martial art, I have watched old martial art movies by Jet Li many times over, and follow movies starring Donnie Yen. Only these movies are able to make me step into the cinema, and the last I was in cinema was for the movie Fearless (Fok Yun Kap) by Jet Li, on the life of the kung-fu master who taught at the famously known, Cheng Mo-Mun. That was more than two years ago.

When the trailer of the much-talked-and-reviewed-about movie Ip Man was available, and billboard posters started mushrooming in the Klang Valley, I was still unsure if I would catch the movie on screen. I read reviews on the movie, which came with high ratings and recommendations to watch. Adrian, being a real movie buff, talked about it earlier and I asked if he would like to catch it in cinema. Afraid of the coldness in the cinema, I asked which was the least cold - in KLCC, Pavillion or 1 Utama Shopping Centre. GSC 1 Utama was his recommendation.

We made reservations for two seats and I was all set, with my long denim jeans, and two extra jackets - one denim and one wool. The movie was to start at 12.20pm, and it was almost 12.50pm when the movie actually begun. Within the good whole 30 minutes of waiting and commercials I was getting cold, and I already had my denim jacket on. i covered my front and hid my hands under the wool jacket.

Ip Man was an engaging movie with few real good scenes in slo-mo, though I noticed some abruptness and missing links between few other scenes. When it ended, I glanced at my watch at and it was ten past two in the afternoon. I thought it was rather short for a martial art movie. Definitely some missing scenes.

Adrian asked what I thought of the movie since it was his second time watching it. He had caught it after work three days back. I had expected it to be more impressive given all the reviews I read. I thought the last fight scene with General Miura was too short, and angles were a little disappointing. They could have been a lot better. I also thought the ending could have been been done differently, unless the producer plan to have sequels later (that would be good for business).

Indeed there were missing scenes - four to be exact, as I discovered when I watched Ip Man all over again on DVD. Overall, casting was good. Simon Yum, versatile and talented actor, played his supporting role very well. Donnie Yen, who portrayed Ip Man, gave the late Wing Chun grandmaster his due, in character, and fighting style and prowness. That, I thought was admirable. I must admit, one does feel quite motivated to learn Wing Chun martial art after watching the movie. Well done, Donnie!

Did I Meet the Mark

November 2

I was looking through the set of job appraisal forms and did a quick assessment of myself. The self-assessment process would be followed by a sit-in one-to-one session with my boss. I made mental notes of why I rated myself the way I did and decided to have them written as I submit the set in next week.

How do we see ourselves in our efforts and contributions to the companies we work for? How do we rate our work performance? Up to par? Below expectation? Effective,or commendable or better still excellent? These are the common ratings of performance. Generally, mid year and year end are the two timelines for such exercises. Some working individuals would shiver at the thought of appraisal, some would get anxious and bracing for the worst they could think of, some could not even be bothered, some take it as it comes, some look forward to it as a form of check and balance, and some get excited because it's time to negotiate for increment and bonus (for those whose companies do not include contractual bonus into their salary package).

Some are extremely fortunate to work for companies that take the extra and conscientious efforts to ensure that employees' welfare are taken care of, including:

• Revising salary package as and when needed to ensure that employees are paid at market rates;


• Ex-gratia (for companies that are able to reward their employees thanks to high revenues and nett profits);


• Providing higher rate for EPF contribution and retirement benefit;


• Revising rates for mileage claims and travelling allowance;


• Higher number of annual leave;


• Replacement leave for public holidays that fall on saturdays;


• Medical coverage (out-patient treatments) for immediate family members without maximum cap, and a fixed maximum amount for surgical procedures & hospitalisation determined by salary grade;


• Life and personal accident insurance;


• Dental and eye care;


• Transportation for staffs working on shifts, and finishing late at night;


• Subsidised handphone allowance for employees who are required to use it out of office;


• Subsidised parking in premises with independent car park operators;


• Safety of vehicles in car park, especially if company owns the premise, or part of the premise;


• Subsidised food and drinks in office cafeteria, or beverages (including soft drinks and energy drinks) and light snacks (eg biscuits & cookies) in office. This is extremely considerate and kind of employers as recent rise in cost of living has taken its toll on the mid and lower income groups);


• Annual dinners and trips;


• Tokens for zero medical leave on quarterly basis;


• Payback for unutilised leave due to work commitments (especially for employees whose scope of work and responsibilities do not enable him / her to utilise all entitled leave; whose annual entitlement exceeds 24 days, excluding the number of days carried forward from the year before!);
  
• ESOS, by default for employees who has completed the first year of service (eg five units to be exercised within a stipulated time). Just to name a few (haha..)

These make up only one aspect of working, having caring employers and your welfare taken care of. Some of us are working for companies that have not been able to provide all these due to many reasons, including lower revenue stream. Do we tell our employers that since they are unable to provide all these benefits, therefore we call it quits? Which is more important? Good salary package and employee benefits? Good career paths? Good employers? Positive, warm and politics-free working environment? Good corporate culture? Team-work driven? KPIs driven? Is each more important than the others? Some may carry more weightage than others, depending on our personal work expectations and priorities.

The question is what are your expectation and priorities? These are up to each of us to define. How good and bad a working place is sometimes how internalised one is with the company setup and culture. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. There must be a sense a belonging, which some of us struggle with as we move about switching jobs and career at some points of our working life. What does it take for us to give our 100 percent commitment and dedication? We are afterall humans, of the flesh, and are susceptible to the ups and downs of life and surroundings, emotions and state of mind. Sometimes we get affected by some idiotic and insensitive people in office, sometimes we get a***holes that constantly make life hellish. Occasionally we get fickled-minded and ego-inflated individuals. Then can you give your 100 percent?

Well, for me, it's .....for you to find out :P and I am keeping my fingers crossed for my session of 'did i meet the mark'.