To Draw a Line or Not

July 19

I got into a lift in the office building that I am working in and I saw a delivery guy holding a bouquet of flowers. Nothing fancy that was eye-catching; just olive-green-and-pale-cream-coloured wrappers, big bow and leaves that accompanied the few stalks of off-white lilies and anthurium. I found out later that the bouquet was for a married lady from a male whom I was told happened not to be her husband and that was the second bouquet of same colour scheme in six months. each time, the lady kept the flowers in the office and never brought it home, for obvious reasons.

It struck me that while she was definitely enjoying the flattery and attention, she was indulging in a form of escapism that probably provided her the excitement and thrills as she temporarily escapes to from her family and work life that might have gotten mundane. This got me thinking how each of us has own ways and means to shelf the problems on hand and get transported to an illusive world for some euphoric moments, which might somewhat help energise and preserve our sanity as we return to reality.

The other question is how many of such so-called harmless escapisms stayed the way they are and not take a different turn? Does the act of accepting and indulging in flattery and attention of another man constitute infidelity? Some say infidelity starts with a thought but how do you define it? Where is the line and when to draw it before one overstep and risks everything precious? It's almost like tempting fate.

On the other hand, some had tempted fate and succumbed to it. Three months ago, a girlfriend of mine told me that she suspected her husband cheating on her. She was at the brink of devastation and she had no one to talk to and she was afraid that she would succumb to mental breakdown if she continued to keep it to herself. There were sessions of shouting back and forth including a few with him slapping and pushing her around. She even confessed that her husband, who was earning at least 1/3 more than her, had never paid for the house mortgage or forked out money for the household expenses. He had never paid a single sen for their son's expenses (babysitter, diapers, milk, etc). Instead he indulged in expensive hobbies; first was exotic shrimp rearing, then it was photography with almost full set of equipment and lenses. All these of course were paid using plastics and you can imagine the shock my friend had when she saw all the statements. The year before her husband had gotten RM30K loan from his mum to pay off the debts. Instead of learing from such expensive lesson, he went on to incur additional debts. Of the five cards that he had, the debt for one of the plastics was already over RM8K. Despite all these, she decided to stay in her marriage because she could not bear the thought of what others would think of her if she had divorced.

Another girlfriend who was married for over 10 years had recently filed for divorce. Her husband had an affair when she was pregnant with their first child. She found out and confronted him, he admitted and she forgave him. Six years later when she was pregnant with their second child, history repeated itself. This time he denied and they went for marriage counselling. The counselling did not work. He told her that he no longer loved her. That was the last straw as my girlfriend thought there was no point in staying on the marriage anymore. She is now fighting for sole custody of her two children, age 9 and 3.

While one decided to put up with the man that belittled and trampled upon her, the other decided to pack her bag and leave. Both had to go through the painful journey. While the latter took the bold step forward in an effort to be emancipated, the former chose to remain in the shackles of emotional and psychological bondage. As I watched from the outer circle, my heart goes out for them; the latter for her courage and strength to find happiness for herself, the latter the same in hope that she would find her own selfworth and if her marriage could not be saved, the courage to fight for her own happiness and sanity.

St Valentine's Day

February 14

They called it a day of love :) a day of celebration in rememberance of martyred saints in ancient Rome. It is known as Feast of St Valentine, to remember the noble men revered by men, and whose acts known only to God. Along the way, it also became a day for lovers to express their adoration and love for one another, and in modern days has been overrated and commercialised.

Adrian was to return from his overseas project the same night, with his flight to touch down approximately 10.30pm. I wanted to surprise him with something he would need - a mobile phone - since his unit konked out and he was using my old Nokia.

I was in One Utama close to lunch time, and to my surprise, there were plenty of parking. After I got the SE phone, I was strolling around. Not many people but there were couples. Most of the ladies had a stalk of rose in their hands, with the other in the clutch of their other halves. As I was watching each couple, I felt a strange flow of sadness for them. I certainly hold no grudge against any couple or the day being a lovers' day. But is this day the only day to express one's love for another? If it is, then it is sad that expressing love and cherish has become an annual act. I guess in a way in making the purchase of the mobile phone, I too was no different from these couples caught up with the overrated celebration. I don't know about others. Adrian and I have the common understanding that we do not waste our money pampering each other just because it was Valentine's Day. Instead we agreed that we only buy a big gift once a year. You see, Valentine's Day, our birthdays and wedding anniversary are very close to each other. So instead of getting three different things, we each get the other one decent, useful and practical item. I guess we feel that the money spent would be a little more justifiable. Three occassion are probably good reasons to get something good and nice.

Topping that is probably our agreement that we don't do extravagent dinners that cost like RM200 / person on any of these days, especially Valentine's Day. Strictly no fresh bouquets, or teddy bears. We would just go to our favourite restaurants and have our favourite dishes on each other's birthdays. The bills, if possible, are to be less than RM100 for two. To us, we just want to have a good time, with good food in the company of each other. Perhaps some may say that we are overpractical, and least romantic and seem to have lost some excitement and surprise. Contrary to that, we actually have not :). To us, romance is just not about how much we spend, or how romantic dinners have been. It is how much sensitivity and attention given to the other in small ways, in the little things that we say and do daily.

I don't know about other ladies but I would rather have Adrian thinking of me when he passes a pastry stall, and buys me a nice piece of pastry that I'd like, or buys me a bottle of imported beer that I have not tried, or replenishes the supply of cammomile tea that I enjoy, or gets me a copy of my favourite comic, Baby Blues. Now that's Valentine's Day for me, every other day!

Which One Is You?

November 19

Jo said she sensed that the love of her life would be proposing to her soon. I teased her about the size of the shiny rock that would be worn on her beautiful long slender finger. My guess was one carat. Not too long ago, another friend shared that her beloved proposed and she had accepted, whilst another expressed his intention to ask his sweet girlfriend for her hand in marriage. Earlier today, I received a text message - an invitation to a wedding next month. My cousin, Anthony's wedding is scheduled for early December too.

Love is certainly in the air and that gives beautiful thoughts, and reminds me of my own share of matrimonial joy. Looking at these excited couples, it brings thoughts to how wonderfully God brings together two beautiful people in a special relationship, in which they discover lifetime love. Interestingly, one often falls in love with another of opposite personalities, subconsciously selecting someone whosed strengths make up for one's weaknesses.This natural process, intended since the time of Adam and Eve, fits two souls together to become one.

Extroverts are attracted to introverts, optimists pick pessimists, fun-loving outgoing souls go for the quiet deep-thinking ones. These patterned after models of human behaviours, giving birth to the concept of Four Basic Temperaments (with 16 variants) - Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic and Phlegmatic - which helps in examining one self, and accepting others. In Gary Smalley's version, these four Greek-termed personalities are represented by four animals - The Otter, The Lion, The Beaver and The Golden Retriever. Biblically, they are Peter, Paul, Moses and Abraham.

My first exposure to the four basic temperaments was from the book, Spirit-Controlled Temperaments by Tim LaHaye, and subsequently, The Act of Marriage by same author and his wife, Beverly LaHaye. That was over 10 years ago. The two were written in the Christian context. My other book, Personality Plus was by Florence and Marita Littauer, which a friend borrowed and was never returned. Perhaps she found it a good read, and tool.

Expressive, a Sanguine likes fun and people, loves to talk, needs attention, good at socialising and entertaining, easily excited, enthusiastic, charming yet unorganised, undisciplined, with little or no follow-through, fickle and forgetful, needs to be in the centre of attention, and never grow up.

A born leader, the Choleric is a dominant character, assertive, impulsive, loves to work, likes actions and progress, likes to motivate others but possesses minimal tolerance for incompetencies, dominates and manipulates people, hardly apologises even though is in the wrong, dislikes losing control and easily bored by trivia.

A Phlegmatic is solid but laid-back, loves peace and harmony, tries to please everyone and a born follower. This personality procrastinates and avoids responsibilities as a result of trying to please everyone, has little self-motivation, dislikes conflicts and is selfish.

Sensitive, quiet and analytical, a Melancholic likes solitude and silence, has high standards for everyone, analyses and plans thoroughly before executing any projects. This pessimistic and moody personality gets depressed over imperfection, introverted with little need for sociability, and holds back affection.

Discovering personality type can be an exciting and enlightening experience, and enables each person to develop a better understanding and acceptance of the different personalisties and characters. especially in the case of love relationships and marriage, making communication and relationships become more meaningful, fulfilling and complete. Two individuals indeed become one, as they understand and complement each other; filling each other's empty spaces. Enjoy discovering your own and of others! :)

God could have made us all Sanguines.

We could have lots of fun but accomplish little.

He could have made us all Melancholies.

We would have been organized and charted but not very cheerful.

He could have made us all Cholerics.

We would have been set to lead, but impatient that no one would follow!

He could have made us all Phlegmatics.

We would have had a peaceful world but not much enthusiasm for life.

We need each temperament for the total function of the body.

Each part should do its work to unify the action and produce harmonious
results.

-Florence Littauer in The Gift of Encouraging Words

http://www.personalitytype.com/

http://www.smalleyonline.com/

http://www.ylcf.org/you/personality.htm

https://timlahaye.com/shopdisplayproducts.asp?id=22&cat=TEMPERAMENT

Love is Blind

November 17

They say it is blind. Perhaps it is to some, and not to the rest. One Friday evening, somewhat mid last year, a close personal friend, Gabriel gave me a call. He popped over to the house and we had dinner. Way after dinner, he took out his mobile and turned it on. Puzzled, I asked him why his mobile was turned off. Since he was into personal financial services and real estate, it seemed queer as calls from clients or potential ones might come in. Battery was low and he did not have the charger with him. I did not pursue further.

A while later, his phone kept beeping. Incoming messages. Calls came but he refused to answer. With an inkling of what was going on, I asked if his girlfriend for a year-and-a-half, was the caller, and I hit it right home. Upon asking what was wrong, he shared his story. They have been in frequent arguments, on a weekly basis and things had gotten violent. At first, she threw things around. Then she began taking knives and blades slicing and cutting things that she could lay hands on, including personal computers, clothes and bed. He then showed me a picture taken on his mobile. A bad cut on his index finger with oozing blood, a result of him trying to grab the instrument from her. Earlier that evening, he was in an argument with her, and he needed to get away, so he spent a night over.

This year sometime in May, in one of her anger fits over some trivial matter, she threw his handheld on the floor, and the LCD screen cracked. The device kaputed. She started hitting him with a clothe hanger, and crumpled all his clean, well-ironed shirts, and wiped her tears and snots. Gabriel's siblings came to know, and like me, they advised him to walk out of the relationship, and make it clear with her and her family. Later, we discovered he did not, even though he had earlier agreed to do so.

Lately, I had MSN conversations with him and asked how things were with him. He volunteered the information that she was undergoing counselling sessions in St. Ignatius church. Asked if they got back together, and yes was the answer. I sighed with heaviness in my heart. Having met his girlfriend much earlier over few dinners, not only I was unable to see what he saw in her, she striked me as a spoilt scatterbrain, free loader with a ego that rocketed sky high who happened to think and treat her own boyfriend, my friend like a dog and belittled him in front of his own friends. It was disturbing and heartbreaking to see a friend treated as such.

I have lost count of the times that I advised him to let the relationship go based on facts gathered from him confiding in me. As a friend, I would believe I had done all within my means to help him through bad times, including monetary assistance. Over time, I am exhausted as my words fell on deaf ears, disappointed at his lack of courage, saddened by the erosion of self-dignity. In all these, perhaps no one is as gravely disappointed and heartbroken as his dad, had he knew.

Recently, Gabriel asked if I had a spare car that he could loan for the weekend. He was to go on a family trip with his dad and siblings to Cameron Highlands. His girlfriend's car was in a workshop, and she needed his car to drive down to Malacca to replace another trainer for a beauty workshop. The truth was she made that up. She was not invited for the family trip and she purportedly put him in a spot to choose; her or his family. I was speechless at the extent of her childishness. My call and text to him the night before the trip, asking if he still needed my car, went unanswered and unresponded.

A Buddhist believer might say that he perhaps had wronged her in his previous life, and in this, he is paying for his transgressions. That aside, is love really that blind? I find myself at lost wondering. By horoscope, I am a dreamer and an idealist. As much as I believe in true and unconditional love, I however, do not believe in loving blindly, moreso when it involves physical and psychological violence and abuse. Maybe I am not such an idealist after all, or I have yet to experience the transformational power of love. So tell me, is love also blind to a lifetime of emotional and mental slavery?

When I Becomes We

August 13

Happiness was written on J's face when she shared with me that her partner, M proposed to her last week. She did not see it coming, she said, and it caught her by surprise. On one of her slender fingers was a huge, beautiful solitaire.

General perspection has that women would want their men to pop the question, be it an expression of sincerity, or a surprise that would bring about the rush and elation of being proposed to after a romantic dinner. Many would have had dreamt or envisioned how their weddings would be like. The big day, with perfection and grandeur in even the smallest of details.

From selecting the date for the signing ceremony to the perfect theme that best depict the union, from selecting a perfect pair of wedding rings (or bands, and mind you, there is a difference) to elaborate princess like gowns and charming suits for photoshoot, from planning the extensive guest list to door gifts, dinner reception venue layout, decor and menu. Those of Christian and Catholic faiths, there is also the pre-nuptial preparation course that a couple is required to complete six months prior to the big day.

My sister's wedding is coming up end of the month. The last i checked was the invitation cards were almost ready to be delivered to her guests. Earlier she had been in a dilemma in picking the right venue for her dinner reception, which was a battle between cost and setting & look. Was it a question of keeping up with modernity, or feeding one's ego (because do not want to 'loose face') or showing off to others, or was it a question of sharing the memorable day with family, friends, and guests. What have weddings become?

Every wedding is a beautiful memory and celebration, be it a simple signing ceremony, an outdoor wedding on the beach, in a garden, underwater or up on a mountain, or a extravagant elaborate grand wedding befitting a royalty. It's an expression of two soulmates' desire to spend the rest of their lives together, in happiness and sorrow, in sickness and health, for poorer and richer, for as long as they live till death separates.

The essence of marriage lies not in how beautiful the wedding ceremony or photos were, or how many guests attended the dinner, or even how unique the invitation cards were, or how well the decorations were done. These, after all would lie in the back of our memory as years pass on. The wedding album would likely be stored in the drawer, and the wedding gown in the closet (hoping to preserve it long enough to pass on to the daughter).

Being married for not too many years, I am no expert in relationship or marriage. One thing I do know is marriage states one's willingness to take chances in loving the significant half. To me, it is a lifetime journey of seeking and discovering the many treasures (and dumps,haha). A journey that moulds two individuals to be one, without losing individuality. Marriage is about acceptance, sacrifices, sharing, motivating and understanding. It is not about doing a favour by accomodating, and expecting the favour to be returned. It is about 'he' before 'i' (or 'she' before 'i'), and 'i' becomes 'we'.

Cyber Love

July 28

I got myself onto Facebook about two months back when my sister Wendee wanted to show me some of the studio shots taken for her wedding album. Earlier i did not pay much attention to the invites from friends. Now in the IT age, almost everything could be done online, from internet banking to internet shopping, and even staying in touch with friends and family. My cousins are mostly on FB, so are my friends. To my surprise, I got in touch with many former classmates and school friends on FB. That's the beauty of online social networks.

I found the love of my life through an online social network too :), to be exact, a matching making website, match.com back in 2003. I was single again after the end of an eight-year old relationship. Adrian was single after things did not work out for him and former partner, and was busy travelling for various projects that his company had engaged. Whilst i sought new friendships and social networks, he sought potential life partners.

Email exchanges started in April 2003 and we met up in August in Coffeebean in SS2, PJ. Our first date was a day after he returned from Pakistan. My long curls were damp from shower in the gym, which i then frequented daily after work and in the weekends. He was dressed all in black - black sweat shirt, black linen-cotton pants, black moccassins, and black-rimmed glasses. Quite an impression he left me. Contrary to his version (ask him now and he'd say otherwise), i did most of the talking, and how i struggled to keep the conversations going. We finished our coffee, and took a walk across the street where he returned some books to the rent-a-book shop. Our date ended with us browsing through a pet shop nearby.

Soon after, we met whenever he was back in KL and had more time for the dating game. We did what most young and working Malaysians did, we had teh tarik at the mamak. So much for romantic dates :P. On one of the few dates we had, I brought along another guy friend, Gerard whom i knew when i was in high school. I thought it was no big deal since we weren't officially dating, and this good old friend of mine was just looking for a friend to have dinner with. Little did i realised that Adrian thought it was an attempt on my end to say I was not interested in dating him.Later that night, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked why Gerard and i never hit off. I bursted out laughing. We had known each other for 16 years, and if there was something, i would not have had the earlier relationship, let alone dated my adorable suitor, who of course was relieved and (I suspected) had a gleeful smile on the other end of the phone.

I was on leave from work one afternoon when Adrian texted me asking for a dinner date. I said yes. He told me not to wear shorts because it'd not be at the usual mamak. It was to be at a restaurant, and he had something to ask me. That dinner took place in TGIF Section 14, PJ. The waiter took our orders, and promptly went off. Before Adrian could say a word, I asked " What is it that you want to ask me?". Taken aback by my directness, he had no opportunity to rehearse the question, though i was sure it ran through his mind umpteen times prior to picking me up. "I like you and enjoy being with you very much. I wonder if you feel the same. I don't intend to see anyone else. I want to see you exclusively. Will you be my girlfriend?". Yes indeed his feelings were reciprocated, and being someone who had always (still do) believe in yes being yes, and no being no, my answer to him was a simple yes. At the end of the dinner, we walked out hand in hand. I was on cloud nine and so was he. A simple one-and-a-half-year courtship was followed by wedding bells.