Cake in The Oven

July 29

"Cheryl and I are well," Adrian said over the phone to his good friend, Shoba earlier tonight when they spoke. "Lifestyle has not changed yet. There is no cake baking in the oven". He was referring to me not being in the way of the family, yet.

My better half had been sharing with me his desire to start a family, but would not dwell into it until I, The Oven, am ready. The thought of conceiving and raising a kid has been running through my mind, on and off. My friend, Karen asked me earlier in the afternoon if my maternal instinct had kicked in. No, it has not.

Brought up in very humble manner, and grew up with nothing close to extravagance, I told myself that I would not want my kids (if i ever had) to go through the same i did. Watching my friends having nice school bags and shoes. Uniforms tailor-made or bought off the shelf. I was fortunate to have hand-me-downs from my neighbour's daughters who were a lot older than me. Some friends had the luxury of piano lessons, tennis lessons, and the extra pocket money for Galaxie magazines, movies and music tapes. I had none of those. Even my revision books were hand-me-downs. Nothing wrong in using hand-me-downs, or not had all those lessons. It was a circumstance brought about by the lack of money, which made me appreciated little things i had, like my first fountain pen (which I still have in my possession). It is the psychological effect that I do not wish for my kids to grow up with - the inferiority complex that i had throughout my entire schooling years.

I love kids, yet deep within I have qualms that I am a mommy-material. I fear that I might not bring them up well, or fail in any way. Possessing some form of eccentricity of keeping things tidy, in place, and obsessed with maintaining a clean home, I doubt that I would be able to keep my cool(not that i have much) if my walls were decorated with tiny hand prints, crayon scribbles and creative drawings, or little filthy footprints on my floor. I know what Adrian would suggest for hired domestic help in the house to keep the place clean, when the time comes. Well, that is another arrangement that I have yet to be receptive to. Topping that, no junk food, no candies, no fizzy drinks, no fast food. I somewhat don't condone feeding on such for myself, an adult, let alone children. Even Adrian sometimes had to consume these behind my back, though he'd own up eventually. Then again, these might change when i actually have kids.

Two weeks ago, my uni friends and i met up for lunch, with our spouses and partners. There were five couples, and one highly available, pretty, talented content developer, Su-Lyn. Our friend, Mabel and hubby, Daniel has a year-old boy. Little Lucas was the star with lots of pictures taken by my photographer friend, Sharon. Like in a game of musical chairs, he was passed from one to another and was showered with attention (and kisses). I then wondered if I should start planning for one of my own. Am I ready then, to receive such beautiful gift from The Creator?