To Draw a Line or Not

July 19

I got into a lift in the office building that I am working in and I saw a delivery guy holding a bouquet of flowers. Nothing fancy that was eye-catching; just olive-green-and-pale-cream-coloured wrappers, big bow and leaves that accompanied the few stalks of off-white lilies and anthurium. I found out later that the bouquet was for a married lady from a male whom I was told happened not to be her husband and that was the second bouquet of same colour scheme in six months. each time, the lady kept the flowers in the office and never brought it home, for obvious reasons.

It struck me that while she was definitely enjoying the flattery and attention, she was indulging in a form of escapism that probably provided her the excitement and thrills as she temporarily escapes to from her family and work life that might have gotten mundane. This got me thinking how each of us has own ways and means to shelf the problems on hand and get transported to an illusive world for some euphoric moments, which might somewhat help energise and preserve our sanity as we return to reality.

The other question is how many of such so-called harmless escapisms stayed the way they are and not take a different turn? Does the act of accepting and indulging in flattery and attention of another man constitute infidelity? Some say infidelity starts with a thought but how do you define it? Where is the line and when to draw it before one overstep and risks everything precious? It's almost like tempting fate.

On the other hand, some had tempted fate and succumbed to it. Three months ago, a girlfriend of mine told me that she suspected her husband cheating on her. She was at the brink of devastation and she had no one to talk to and she was afraid that she would succumb to mental breakdown if she continued to keep it to herself. There were sessions of shouting back and forth including a few with him slapping and pushing her around. She even confessed that her husband, who was earning at least 1/3 more than her, had never paid for the house mortgage or forked out money for the household expenses. He had never paid a single sen for their son's expenses (babysitter, diapers, milk, etc). Instead he indulged in expensive hobbies; first was exotic shrimp rearing, then it was photography with almost full set of equipment and lenses. All these of course were paid using plastics and you can imagine the shock my friend had when she saw all the statements. The year before her husband had gotten RM30K loan from his mum to pay off the debts. Instead of learing from such expensive lesson, he went on to incur additional debts. Of the five cards that he had, the debt for one of the plastics was already over RM8K. Despite all these, she decided to stay in her marriage because she could not bear the thought of what others would think of her if she had divorced.

Another girlfriend who was married for over 10 years had recently filed for divorce. Her husband had an affair when she was pregnant with their first child. She found out and confronted him, he admitted and she forgave him. Six years later when she was pregnant with their second child, history repeated itself. This time he denied and they went for marriage counselling. The counselling did not work. He told her that he no longer loved her. That was the last straw as my girlfriend thought there was no point in staying on the marriage anymore. She is now fighting for sole custody of her two children, age 9 and 3.

While one decided to put up with the man that belittled and trampled upon her, the other decided to pack her bag and leave. Both had to go through the painful journey. While the latter took the bold step forward in an effort to be emancipated, the former chose to remain in the shackles of emotional and psychological bondage. As I watched from the outer circle, my heart goes out for them; the latter for her courage and strength to find happiness for herself, the latter the same in hope that she would find her own selfworth and if her marriage could not be saved, the courage to fight for her own happiness and sanity.